How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

The last year has been a hard one.  To be honest most of my life has not been easy.  But here I am still standing, dreaming, and hoping for a better future.

Growing up I never hung out with kids my own age.  I always wanted to spend time with the adults and take part in their conversations.  Being an adult now, and having several children who do this to me, I now understand what an irritating child I truly was.  But the truth is, growing up, I have never fit in well with kids my own age.

When my family and I moved to Texas, my Father was appointed Scout Master by the church.  I was 9, maybe 10 when this happened.  So I got to start going on camp outs with the older scouts, and by older I mean between 12 and 18.  So once again I didn’t interact much with kids my own age.

The issue continued when I entered High School.  Northwest was a school for the performing and visual arts.  My focus was music in both instrumental and voice.  When I auditioned for the choir I was stunned to learn that I had been given a spot in the schools chamber choir.  This choir compromised the best of the best voices the school had to offer, and I was one of the first freshmen ever to be accepted.  This, however, threw a small kink into my plans of trying to hang out, and make friends with kids my own age.  I suddenly found myself forming friendships with the kids in the class above me.

Now this was not a big deal for three years.  It only became an issue my senior year.  I still remember going to school that first day of my senior year, and realizing, with a bit of horror, that I didn’t know very many people in my own class.  Most of my friends had graduated the year before hand, and were now off attending college.  So, following my pattern I started traveling up to App State on weekends to visit my friend Ginny, and my girlfriend at the time Rebekah.  While I was there I was hanging out with college students, and forming friendships.

Fast forward a few years.  I was turning 25 and I had just gotten married, and accepted a job offer from a firm called Insource Safety.  It all happened so fast.  One minute I was delivering pizzas or life-guarding at the local pool , and the next I was being asked to do site visits for my firm, and teach men and women who were 20 years older then I was important classes.

I got called “kid” and “son” a lot, and I hated every minute of it.  I especially hated being called “young man” but I endured it. I wanted to older, and for years I was in this head long rush to get there.  Problem is no matter how hard you wish for time to speed up, it move on second by second.  Not any slower or faster, no matter how much you will it to be so.

So, as I mentioned at the beginning its been a hard year.  I was forced to quit my job at Bongarde because my boss at the time was making every single day a constant battle.  My marriage has fallen apart.  I am not speaking to most of my extended family, and on top of all of that I miss my dog Grace.  I know cry me a river.

The last 12 months I have felt old.  Way older then I should, and way older then I want to feel.  I have spent my whole life in a head long rush to reach adulthood, that I missed out on truly experiencing my life in the past.  Life isnt about what kind of car you drive, or what kind of job you go to everyday.  Its about the memories you create.  Its about spending time with people that matter.  Most importantly its about cultivating passion for things that make you smile.

So in all honesty I really don’t care how old I am anymore.  It doesn’t matter.  All that matters is that I enjoy each day.  That I go to sleep each night knowing that I did something good in this world.  That I contributed to the worlds positive energy, and not its negative.  All that matters is that I live a good life, and do my best not to let hate and anger dictate my actions.

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